Whether you are using regularly, casually, or are completely sober, resentments can be a stifling issue in your day-to-day life. Sometimes, they can eat away at our self-esteem or our respect for others.As previous alcoholics and users, resentments can be the cause of substance abuse in the first place, creating a downward spiral of anger and guilt. It’s so crucial to understand our resentments and move forward in a constructive way.Kaila and Kiki discuss some of their resentments they’ve had in their past while using and being sober. From work to college roommates, they dish all the juicy details about what made them tick and how they are working to overcome them.In this episode, Kaila and Kiki discuss:
- What their biggest resentments they had in the past
- Some resentments they currently have
- Why life is better without resentments
- How to overcome your resentments and live a happier life
Kiki: What is up you guys, it’s Kiki and Kaila here and we are on the podcast, From Hell to Wellness, and today we are going to talk about resentment. So alcoholics and drug user’s resentments are pretty common, and can be honestly one of the majority of the reasons why we are alcoholics and are drug use. So I am sure most of you have probably experienced resentment in the past, especially as someone who has previously used. But today we are going to discuss a little bit about our resentments and how they affect our daily life and how they change after sobriety.
Kaila: So there was this brief amount of time where I dabbled in acting. And it’s hilarious because I dated this guy who is an actor once, and then he was like just because you had a failed career as an actress, and I was like I was never trying to be an actress, it’s just like I did some acting. So I had this agent and everything and I was going out to auditions, and then I got this audition and I made it through the first round or whatever, and then the second round is that I had a model log.
Kiki: That’s hard.
Kaila: Yes, so hard like I have never, this model log apparently I did okay but like [1:28] to do some model logs and they were horrific and so awkward. But this one I think I have chosen the scene from Gia, have you ever seen it?
Kiki: I have never seen that movie.
Kaila: Oh my God you have got to watch it it’s so good. But there is this scene where she is breaking up with her girlfriend and she like breaks this glass and cuts up her arm or something and just acting all crazy, but like I love that movie. But somehow there must have been like no other good candidates. So I booked this movie and it was shooting in China and so you know I went out there and flew out to Beijing. And then the first night I got there I got straight off the airplane, and it was weird because when they shoot in China it’s not at all like here. They don’t have permits and stuff they just kind of gorilla shoot – because it’s like I don’t know. This was like 15 years ago when China, but I don’t know if that’s the case now. But also they gave me the script and there was a decent amount in Chinese and I had to learn it and it was a lot. But I met the director that night like they took me straight from the airport to set, and I kind of met me and he was not that friendly but I was like maybe he’s just busy because he’s on set or whatever. And then I go back to my hotel and then the next day I am going into fittings and like doing some rehearsal and stuff, and then a couple days pass by and nothing’s happening. And then they just tell me oh you’re not – just change your mind. And then at some point somebody mention to me like you look a little not as skinny as your photos. And I remind you back then I was coke skinny, like I was really, really skinny but then I saw the lead actress and she was like skeletal, which is kind of the style in Asia where your arm is just like born. And I was like I can understand if I showed up now, they would be like you are not as skinny as your photos but I was skinny back then. So I had a resentment. So yes I don’t know they couldn’t even give me a flight change immediately, so I had to hang out for another 3 days in my hotel but I was all depressed, but my handler was there so they would take me to go and eat and stuff but I wasn’t really like in the mood because I booked their movie. I booked their movie in Beijing and then I got fired from it before I even say the word.
Kiki: Oh my God that’s crazy.
Kaila: But I hold onto that resentment for years.
Kiki: That’s hard, and in the industry like film and acting it’s fucked up. I remember too I went to my very first modelling agency ever, and I was really hard-core trying to be in modelling. I don’t know why because [4:45] and I’m just not like a super skinny person but I wanted to do it. I even went to like America’s top model for like the 5 7 and under and they cast me.
Kaila: Tell me how that audition was?
Kiki: So I was barely 18, I was in my first year this was before I even knew you guys. And they reached out to me on [5:05] and it was, I don’t even remember her name but the casting director hit me up direct. And she was like hey we want you to come in for the audition – no idea what to expect but I watch that show religiously though.
Kaila: Me too, that was like the show.
Kiki: That was the Jammy-Jam, and I was like oh my God, and you know I was already kind of crazy about eating stuff. So I was like freaking exercising and I got so like I got pretty skinny for it. I remember my ex was like oh my God that’s the skinniest I have ever seen you, he was like holy shit. But I went to the thing and still to be fair.
Kaila: I remember when I would go to see my aunt – she would be like you look sick you look so skinny and I would be like thank you like that’s what I want.
Kiki: Oh my God the struggle is real. So I went and I thought I had this in the bag I was like I am going to get this like I am a needle. Not many Asian girls were in the industry at the time, especially 12 years ago. And I walk into the audition and I am like ready, I mentally prepared myself. I even hype myself up because I was like I got specifically and the pic by the casting director. I went into a separate room, that wasn’t even where the cattle call was, so I was like yes I got this, and then I went into the room and there is probably like 50 girls and I was like oh shit. And I didn’t have an agent this is my very first major casting ever, so I didn’t know anything about how to do it. And then they say okay we are going to have all 50 girls or like go 20 at a time. It was the most gnarliest thing I have ever been on. You do your walk down [6:48] and then there was just like a table of I guess the casting people and they had a camera, and it was a huge, sort of like if you think of like a high school multi-purpose room, that’s what it kind of looks like. And they say okay 20 at a time do your walk give us a pose and then walk back, so I did the walk. Girls were walking in front of me and I didn’t care I didn’t know anything and they were kind of like pushing me out of the way. And I am a passive person you know me, I am not going to be like bitch get out of my way I was like okay. And then we went up and then they say okay so every single girl come to the camera and say your name and where you are from and why you should be on America’s Next Top Model. And I did it but I felt awkward and you know they can sense it and I remember right then and there they said okay we are going to call some names – five names called and then I was just like what the fuck just happened and I walk down there, and I remember my parents were there and they were like how did it go and I just started crying.
Kaila: There must have been like 45 girls doing that right?
Kiki: Yes, absolutely. Because this is the first time I have never experienced that type of rejection or any type of experience like that. I was like what the fuck – I mean I just thought that I had it in the bag. I have experienced some rejection there, but I was like what the fuck so it was devastating but yes, yes I was definitely resentful which catalysed me. And there was another thing in the modelling industry. So I went with my very first agency booking and I met with and I have met with several booking agencies before but this was like the one that I felt really confident about. So after several meetings we finally did it and he took the Polaroids, I don’t know if they still do those anymore – and put me up on the site and I remember I sent in my measurements and I went and looked at the measurements, I was like 108 pounds back then but right now I am like freaking 135. So yes really, really like – my measurements were all an inch smaller, and then my butt was an inch or two inches. So it was like 31 23 32 and I am like what the fuck, like right now I am like 34 26 27 or 28. So I was like how the hell, so I thought it was his kind of way of saying you need to get smaller basically.
Kaila: What did he say?
Kiki: It wasn’t like a direct way but it was the way that I kind of need to get smaller. He also said do you work out and I was like yes I work out all of the time, and he was like maybe you should lessen the working out. I remember I used to say I don’t want my muscular arms to show. So yes those are my big resentments, and I don’t resent him I resent the idea of that I wasn’t good enough in that moment and that I could have done better. I mean like what the fuck like I should have done this to be better for that moment.
Kaila: So your resentments all went into yourself instead of the other people?
Kaila: There is a difference in personalities. I mean I definitely had some self-resentments too but in that circumstance I resent the director.
Kiki: But that’s kind of healthier because then you keep yourself more I guess like.
Kaila: I don’t think it matters resentments will kill you. It’s like taking poison and drinking it yourself, I forgot what the saying is but it’s not hurting them when you are resentful. But I feel like that’s how I was in my 20s, like so sensitive, everything would piss me off and then I would hold a grudge forever. And I was just such an asshole, like I feel like I was a nerd in high school. I was a nerd up until I would like maybe 15 or 16 and I have never been asked out by anyone really. And then I start to hang around the Asians and become a little bit cool but I still had like the nerdy feeling in me. And still no guy asked me out in high school. So when I got a couple years into college afterwards like I had a lot of success in something. I mean it happened real fast but I have been trying at it for a long time, so it seemingly happened really fast. But then it went to my head and I was just like so egotistical about it because I had such low self-esteem, but then I had like this bravado like I did this by myself and then I felt shity about myself but then I felt better than everyone else at the same time so there is like all of these weird dichotomy happening. And I wasn’t nice to people because I wasn’t like – I was so unhappy with myself and then like self-righteous at the same time.
Kiki: That can be really frustrating because then you’ve got like two polar opposite concepts just like fighting each other almost.
Kaila: Well I actually have like this two personality thing happening literally, because some of you guys might know my legal name as Elaine, and then there’s Kaila this thing that I’ve created which is like very [12:37] modelling so I was very sexy like big hair and glamorous looking photo shoots and whatever but it wasn’t really me in real life. In real life I feel like Kaila is the idealized me, but Elaine is kind of like awkward and introverted and has low self-esteem. So there is like those two polar opposites. I feel like in sobriety it’s been like trying to melt them and make them one person.
Kiki: Right, and you know what I am 100% with you there because I also have Kiki and then I have Kristen. But maybe it’s like a way that introverts can be extroverted or seemingly extroverted. But I thought that Kristen – it gives me a little bit of anxiety when someone said Kristen, because it reminds me of my parent call me Kristen or my kids – but being a kid and being a kid is not fun for me. It was great at home but it was like in school and in social settings it was a nightmare. But Kiki is also those like guitar wielding crazy person drinks and it’s like a party here and people enjoy. So I totally get that and in a way having that separation is a way for me to keep my sanity in a sense, and like if I had try to be Kristen this whole time I don’t think it would have been as successful, because when I could become Kiki then I could be more Fearless in a sense so I was able to try things. But alcohol used to make kiki come out kind of do you know what I mean. But now with like you said, with sobriety you don’t have two types of personalities as much because it’s more of a mind-set change when you are like inebriated or drunk or something like that. So definitely I am just more like this new person. I don’t even know if I am Kiki or Kristen.
Kaila: It’s funny because back in the day I would be like I want to kill Elaine like kill her. I created Kaila and that’s me kid Elaine I just didn’t like that part of me. But yes sobriety is learning to love all parts of yourself. And then it’s not just us I mean Beyoncé and Sasha Fierce right so it’s not just us.
Kiki: I didn’t know about that.
Kaila: Yes, she has a character Sasha Fierce who is like her Beyoncé personality so it’s a thing.
Kiki: I think it’s good to have because it allows you to become, you know kind of like when like a queen like they can dress up and become this other character.
Kaila: Oh my God so I did this event with Kiki last month [15:38] and we do brand deals for Laganja Estranja and she is fierce.
Kiki: She is my fucking hero.
Kaila: I remember she came into the room and I was like she is more woman than all of us.
Kiki: Exactly, oh my gosh you have got to put a link into one of her performance it is insane.
Kaila: But that is a character too because then he’s Jay and a totally different person. But I feel like Kaila could be more Laganja like more like more.
Kiki: I definitely want to be more interesting. After I got sober I kind of actually like being at home and boring. I noticed that my Kristen is coming out a lot more lately. But I am also coming to terms that they are not as like, like I am coming to terms that I am not as bummed about it either, because I think as you get older you just don’t care – like we said earlier, you just don’t really care much about what people think too.
Kaila: Well it kind of has to do with me and they can. I feel like there is a fair amount of people who feel like they need to be in a relationship or else like what’s it going to look like or whatever. But like date if you want to date but if you don’t feel like dating who cares.
Kiki: If you can find the Fulfilment within yourself it doesn’t really matter you don’t need people to do it for you. I actually want to talk about one last resentment that I had. It’s still kind of haunts me today and I hate it. I hate that about myself that’s like one thing I don’t like I want to continue to change, but I really don’t like high school. I don’t like the environment that I was in and I all of the time try to attribute the reasons what I am today.
Kaila: Who are these people who love High School. I didn’t change high school but I definitely did not enjoy it.
Kiki: So I grow up in a pretty white community. At the time I didn’t realize how damaging it was to me. And I asked my brother and he is like well it’s fine I didn’t even see any problem.
Kaila: It’s funny because I didn’t experience any racism growing up. I mean the Asian population was highly small. Or maybe it was still more than yours?
Kiki: Yes, we only had 2% I think.
Kaila: But ours is like maybe 5% I think.
Kiki: That’s still pretty small, but I think what happened was I hung out in a crowd of people that were metal heads.
Kaila: I was in AP classes so I was naturally amongst a lot of Asians or white people who were around a lot of Asians because they were in AP classes.
Kiki: Was those your friends or just people that you were around?
Kaila: Well my best friend was white and her last best friend was Asian before me.
Kiki: I legitimately had a friend MSN Messenger, you know your icon on MSN Messenger it was a freaking Nazi symbol.
Kaila: I don’t remember you saying this.
Kiki: I didn’t say this oh my gosh. I remember going over to one of our friends’ houses and he was like one of our closest friends, and I was like we are watching this TV show and like there was a girl. To me I didn’t care if she was white or anything. But she was supposed to be a washed up prostitute, and her legs look really weird they just look like weird in the shot. And I was like her legs look really strange. I said that but I think we were smoking weed or something. And then he goes well you look like a descendant of the Miranda Tang, how do you feel about that?
Kaila: But that doesn’t even make any sense.
Kiki: It was so weird.
Kaila: It doesn’t even make sense because Asian [19:43].
Kiki: I will never forget that and I was like wow.
Kaila: Was these all guys?
Kiki: Yes, a lot of guys.
Kaila: I used to mostly hang out with girls like 100%.
Kiki: I had a group of girlfriends too, but I only hang out with girls exclusively. And then they all turned on me once, and I started wearing black and I started liking metal music, and then one time the girls were like you are scaring us and I am like I didn’t do anything. And then I told my other best friend who is very aggressive and then she yelled at them and said you are a bitch and like freaked out on them, so they run away from me and then I was just left by myself with my friends. So I got a little scared of hanging out with girls I was like I think they are just going to be scared of me. But all of that stuff I think that’s a burden that I need to overcome, because I am still resentful for stuff that happened 20 years ago. And it doesn’t matter, it doesn’t matter but some reason that resentment still lives with me and it was a major cause. I’ve come to realize within the last 2 years.
Kaila: You have got to write it out and share it with someone, perhaps a therapist or a trusted person. So when you are dealing with resentments, there is what they did, but what was your part because you are a participant.
Kiki: That’s another thing that I definitely think about. I could have been really annoying you know I don’t know I am not sure I really don’t know what I did, but I very possible I could have been annoying and I very possibly could have been weird. And you know at that age you know nobody wants to be around the weird goth girl. But also I was very angry and I used to get into fights and yell a lot. So I almost adopted that behaviour because it was like well then they don’t like me, then fine I am going to be this crazy metal head girl who wears all black and gets in fight. The only people that would tolerated me were just like guys who also listen to metal music. But I think in retrospect it’s probably why I try to be really nice today too because I was really angry, and maybe that’s when I’m drunk I get mad again because maybe internally I am really actually angry, but I am still trying to work through them and it’s much easier doing it sober I have got to say.
Kaila: So what do you think I am doing a resentment with you. So what do you think your [22:34] character was in this situation?
Kiki: It must have been the way that I acted or maybe I was a little hyper or something. Maybe I was saying stuff that I didn’t, because this is like maybe 14 or 16 years old. I could have been saying stuff that was offensive or that wasn’t aligned with what they wanted. I think the mesh was just never a good mix. And then I took it crazy and I became a crazy person, I became really aggressive and unlikable almost on purpose, which is completely counterproductive. And then I still haven’t really gotten to be able to overcome, or like to find a happy medium like adopt and be like middle grounds, you know you can be here and there.
Kaila: I guess at the end of the day they are like little 14 and 15-year-old girls too, we are also clueless.
Kiki: Absolutely, but the problem that I think is that I still hold that as a resentment and I think I should let it go.
Kaila: So we kind of went over how to get rid of resentments, and actually here is something really good that works. And try this if you have a resentment that you cannot kick. It is spending two weeks every morning praying that person get every single thing that you want in life. And you will find that by day 5 you will be like I don’t care anymore I am not mad. Plus, it’s sending positive energy into the world.
Kiki: There was a cool me and myself the other day that was like, just because I don’t like you it doesn’t mean I don’t want to see you eat. I just don’t want to see you eat at my table. I thought that was kind of cool because sometimes when you are really upset with someone you are like fuck them I wish they burn. But you could say you know I want you to eat I want you to be healthy and I want you to live your life, but just don’t do it at my table. So I have got to say I think one of the biggest things that helped me get over those resentment was like joining the band.
Kaila: So many resentments were added to my life [24:48] it’s kind of fun opposite experience.
Kiki: That’s just how different people are; you could be in the same settings but have different things. But I think joining that band really helped make me feel like – I never was friends with Asian girls there just weren’t really that many Asian girls in my high school [25:14] but I was like yes you are Asians, and then they are like you are not Asian enough. I was like too whitewash I was way too whitewash, so I made friends with Non-Asians.
Kaila: I mean really like it’s hard to not make friends with Asians at UCLA.
Kiki: I know, nearly 60% of the school is Asian so I’m like I have got to get at least one, but then I met you guys and that really helped a lot. It helped me figure out that you could be friends with guys too because I got really freaked out and then I didn’t trust a lot of girls, like stuff happened in college and my roommate freaked out to. And I lived with her for like two and a half months and we like hated each other. It was bad and I was going crazy but I would like stay at the library for 13 hours.
Kaila: What happened that you guys?
Kiki: Do we have time for this story?
Kiki: So this is one of the biggest resentments I’ve had, I don’t even know why I didn’t start with this. In college – okay so there is this girl that I met in high school in my senior year she was pretty new. She listens to metal music and she was really cool and I was like oh my gosh this could be my first girlfriend, and she’s like I am going to UCLA too I just got it. I was like awesome let’s be roommate. Signed up for roommates and we ended up being roommates together. The first 6 months of school or whatever like the first half of school was amazing. We are having fun and we are partying together, like she was Super Rad and we did everything together. We stayed together and we took same classes because she was a bio major, it was really weird. And then one day I went down with my other roommate, or like friends and we went down to go visit my brother in San Diego. Well there is this drug called salvia. Salvia is like I don’t know if you guys know but it’s legal and you can buy it at any smoke shop. It’s basically incense and it’s completely free. Not free but legal you can buy it anywhere anyone that’s over 18 can purchase it. But if you smoke that thing you basically smoke it like it’s weed. And you smoke it but it won’t make you fly so high. I have never done [27:26] but supposedly it’s more beyond that.
Kaila: How come people don’t do it all of the time, because it’s too much?
Kiki: It’s too much it puts people over. I did it like once and it was great everybody’s heads turned into like E&M’s and macaroni and cheese. So we tried it and I was like okay so I am going down with my other friend and we are going to go down to visit my brother, but she stayed back because she was studying or whatever the reason so she didn’t come with us. That weekend she ended up smoking Salvia by herself with a bunch of guy friends all by herself. She should have had her friends there but whatever the case maybe she decided to do it by herself. I got a call at 3 a.m. saying that something really bad has happened and she is crying. And I am like oh my god what the fuck happened and she is like I will call you back later, and I am like oh my God what the fuck so I went back to sleep. She left like three voicemails and I woke up in the morning and I call her immediately, and I was like are you okay and she was crying and she was like something happened something happened. And I was like oh my God are you okay and she was like I can’t tell you until you get here, but there is a thing. And I am like what okay so I’m like cool, so a couple of hours later I call or she calls back and says there is a plan and it’s happening and they have plotted it against me and I am like what plan. Basically she said that there is this plan that the guys had like actually abused her. And I was really mad I was like I am about to kill this gut, because one of the guys that she claimed that had abused her was some guys that I had a crush on. We were talking and stuff but not anything serious and then I am like okay what the fuck, and like she specifically pointed that guy name out. So I was like I am going to go and kick this guy’s ass if he did anything to her because it’s terrible. And then a couple hours later she calls me and she is like “you already know the plan”? And I am like wow hold on, I haven’t even got anywhere I don’t know what this plan is. But anyway several weeks of this had gone by and she hadn’t slept, she basically had gone into complete psychosis, bad, and she was starting to say things that were absurdly random. She would be like do you see those lamps, that’s why I know they did it. And she was making all of these claims, and I’m like let’s talk to the guys after, and they were like dude nothing happened and they are like nice like biometric guys you know, and like you would never know because you would always trust the girls first. This went on for probably about months she got pulled out of glasses and I was suffering because I was her roommate. We had this big midterm that I got a deal on and she was exempt from it because she had medical reasons. Eventually she gave in and said that they didn’t do it, and I was like that was the weirdest thing because she was saying crazy, crazy stuff and this is my friend.
Kaila: Was she acting like a normal person in between and then making accusation, like was she going to class and being normal and then making?
Kiki: Sort of but she was also really weird. There is no way to describe but it was like somebody who probably should have been like mentally in a hospital, like that’s how the severity of her talking. It was really weird. She would say stuff like how I know they did it. The girl upstairs they were shuffling their feet that’s how I know, and I am like what the fuck are you talking about. Anyway a long story short, somehow my stupidity, we like [30:58] another roommate the next year and she is like hey do you want to move in, and things have kind of cleared out, so we are like fine and of course that was just a weird accident. Moved in together and she did another episode and freaked out on all of us.
Kaila: She did it again?
Kiki: Yes, but not the same kind of concept.
Kaila: Wait, she did the drugs again?
Kiki: No she just like flipped.
Kaila: So she didn’t even do the drug then?
Kiki: Didn’t even do the drug and just completely flipped and we were like dude we can’t do this. So instead of us solving the problem like adults, we were too young and stupid, we were just like barely 19 we were like just ignore her do you know what I mean. But it was easy for my other roommates to do it because they could just close their doors. I was in the same room because I was in the tandem room and they all have their single rooms. So I lived in a room with her for two and a half months, and then the last draw that she did. Do you know what the fucking last draw was. She finally found someone to sublease the room, and it ended up being the one girl that I got in a fight with our freshman year. She put her in the room with me.
Kaila: So it was a three-bedroom room?
Kiki: It was a two-bedroom room and then there was two single. So my other roommates had the two singles and I had the double one because it was cheaper, so I was like why not. So I had to live in the room with the one girl that I actually didn’t like in college because she put that girl in my room, but that was big resentment in high school.
Kaila: But she was like mentally ill?
Kiki: She was mentally ill.
Kaila: So what ever happened to her?
Kiki: Her parents they called me several times and I told her like she needs to get help, and they were in denial. They were yelling at me and saying it was my fault, and I’m like I wasn’t even there. And of course they are protecting their kid they are in denial but I don’t know if she ever got help.
Kaila: You don’t know where she ever went?
Kiki: I do know she is a lawyer in New York.
Kaila: She’s obviously okay if she passed the bar and became a lawyer.
Kiki: People are smart but I mean yeah who knows.
Kaila: Because she was perfectly normal, and then she did that drug one night and then she wasn’t.
Kiki: And here is the thing about it. I have several friends that suffer diagnosis with schizophrenia, and sometimes it can be triggered by a psychedelic drug. So she might still suffer from it but may not have like the full symptoms. Maybe she is on med’s, which would be good and she may not be like super, super severe. But it was really weird it was the craziest thing I’ve ever experienced. But I was also resentful so hard-core resentful. But like you said sometime in our senior year, we actually got back together and had lunch and figured it out.
Kaila: And was she normal at that point?
Kiki: She was as normal as could be, but there was this thing weird thing about her that she didn’t quite look normal. It was hard to explain but you could tell that something wasn’t fully right, but she was kind of like distant. She could have been nervous but who knows. So basically I was like fuck I can’t make friends with any girls because it’s too much.
Kaila: It’s crazy, you have had a lot of crazy people around as in like mentally ill. I mean I had a lot of crazy people experience but not really with mental illness. So resentment if you are not familiar with in sobriety, that’s something that you can lose your sobriety over. People lose their sobriety over resentment all of the time. So it’s really important to clear out your old resentments however you feel best, and more importantly to stop adding resentments because that could just go on forever. I feel like I am just so much more easy-going in sobriety. When in not being sober I was always like I am going to burn this house down and everybody in between. And who knows how much opportunity I lost along the way because I probably pissed somebody’s like friend or brother you know, you never know what’s going on in the world. But I actually had something last week where I had a client that I work with for a long time – suddenly screw me over on a major commission and I was in a rage for like 3 hours. But like I called people because what I was saying to them is that, in the past this would have in rage me for the rest of my life, but I was in rage for 3 hours, I talked to people and I thought about what I was going to do. Then I decided that I was going to talk to this person about it to write the matter. I woke up in the morning and I was like I don’t care. I feel like I am this year perusing making money, you know a career doing what I love and that did not fall in line with that anyways. So I got screwed on that money, I do believe in karma and I also believe that money can come from somewhere else that’s more in line with what I am doing. Also I think it was holding me back. I stayed at that thing for a while and I noticed that my earnings this year, you know a lot more happened this past year in terms of like accomplishment or whatever. But my income didn’t increase by that much, like maybe just slightly. So I do think it was holding me back because I stayed there because it was safe and it was dependable, but it wasn’t I think contributing to the world in anyway, or contributing to anything that I was doing except for funding a regular income.
Kiki: It’s a good thing that had happened.
Kaila: It is; I feel like anything that happens it’s a good thing that happens if you learn from it.
Kiki: Yes, it’s all a part of your path and your journey essentially. I think that’s true, I think a lot of the things that happened to me are like random, but it’s just because I said yes a lot. And I think one of the problem, it almost became a problem like I became too much of a yes person. So now I realized that I need to be able to say no more. In a sense like not necessarily a resentment but something that happened as a cause of resentment that I became too much of a yes person to overcompensate for what I thought that I lack as a kid I think. Understanding to say it’s okay to say no is something I think a lot of people have to, and in a way for you and for your job, you are like I am going to have to say no to these people I am going to have to cut them off.
Kaila: I didn’t say no to them, I just say no I will not pay you your commission. I have no problem in saying no. But that wasn’t the case and the situation. I would have loved that extra chunk of money.
Kiki: Did you ever get it?
Kaila: No I am not going to get it. The thing is I don’t need it because another source of income came that’s been covering that. But you sure I could always use a big chunk of money, but that other source of income was provided when I started to leave. Because I kind of left and now I’ve fully been cut off. Like I kind of willingly left and they were like.
Kiki: That’s fucked up, that happened to me too in Korea [38:53] $6,500 just put me in debt it was terrible – resentments.
Kaila: I think you do have a resentment with that one still. You need to do some work on your resentments.
Kiki: I do I need to figure that one out.
Kaila: But yes, that’s another episode of From Hell to Wellness, and hopefully you like what you’ve heard, and like and subscribe if you do and share with your friends, goodbye.
AUDIO FINISH 39:24